THE NOT SO HAPPY HOLIDAYS: Perspectives & Supports for Adopted Individuals
Why Can The Holidays Be So Challenging?
As the cool temperature arrives and store shelves begin to shift in preparation for the holidays, hearts and minds are forced to think about family and gatherings. For many, the holidays evoke mixed emotions, those of cheer as well as dread. At what point does tradition become an obligation, and at what point does meeting those familial expectations become psychologically burdensome or painful for the adopted person?
Even beyond the traditional pressures of the holidays, adopted persons and family systems also contend with defining “family.” Does “seeing family for the holidays” also include birth family? Are birth parents physically or psychologically present? While the holidays are conceptualized as times for gathering, what is the impact of loss for the adopted person, who may be reflecting on their birth parents with whom they are not in contact, a host of traditions that they will never know. If they are in contact with their birth family, traditions and holidays with their birth family may include a culture and world which may feel unfamiliar, or even inauthentic. Adoptees may be starting their own family and considering how to solidify their own family “traditions” while simultaneously honoring their connections from their birth and adoptive families.
Holidays are also so intimately tied to culture and race. Families can draw from centuries of tradition that they bring to life through the trappings of a holiday scene. For younger adopted children of color, singing carols in a second grade choir while being the only person of color may have felt normal, yet for an adopted adult of color who has wrestled with the complexities of being a person of color in today’s racialized America, they may bristle at being the only person of color in their whole hometown. The microaggressions, microinvalidations, microinsults, and microassaults (and some feel macro) may be too much to bear if the adoptee of color has a new awareness of their racial or cultural identities. For those adoptees, “home for the holidays” may also mean being the only person of color defending perspectives of racial justice at the table.
Indeed, for many adopted persons the holidays may represent the one time each year when complexities of belonging, loss, grief, expectation, love, obligation, and identity collide with such force to cause distress and feeling overwhelmed. So, in this piece we are offering some guidance on both the landmines that adopted individuals may experience during the holiday season and some ways that allies and adopted individuals can be supported so that the holidays can be a time of joy and light.
What Is “Home” For Adoptees?
Whether “going home” involves many hours of long distance travel or is just a short drive away, going home can evoke mixed feelings and memories that may be viewed differently through our adult lenses. It can be a challenge for parents to view their children as adults, a person who may have changed dramatically from the person they once were as a child. It can be harder still when the now adult children may express feelings of discomfort in a place that once may have seemed comfortable. Adult adoptees do not seek to oversimplify their past experiences as good or bad. Rather, adult adoptees seek to hold space for the complexities of their experiences (past and present), for families to recognize adoptees’ racial and adoptive identity development, and to see who they are now as adults versus who they are remembered to be. Adoptees have already experienced a sense of loss, having lost their birth family when placed for adoption, and this sense of loss can be compounded by a fear of (real or imagined) loss of one’s adoptive family and a felt pressure or obligation to be responsible for the family’s homeostasis. That is, decisions to express, assert, and even defend themselves and/or their beliefs can take an enormous emotional toll and feel very risky. Adoptees must sometimes choose among two poor options: (a) adoptees can say something and risk being viewed as disrupting family “harmony;” and (b) adoptees can choose to remain silent, thereby denying their own feelings at great personal cost and allowing other family members to pretend that everything is fine (even if it isn’t).
Returning “home” for the holidays also may raise complex feelings. Although home may be the place of their childhood and early family years, it may also represent feelings of loss, challenges, and marginalization. For example, adoptees of color must seek to hold competing emotions–sometimes simultaneously–they both love their families but also may hold some frustrations for being raised in a colorblind context. Riding an emotional roller coaster where they are reminded of their experiences as the only person of color in childhood photos, of never voicing their feelings of disenfranchisement, and of having all of those experiences be invisible to their families. The competing emotions may be further challenged by some common microaggressions targeting race, adoption, or both that can occur during holiday meals with family. See the article in The Atlantic, “When ‘You’re adopted’ Is Used as an Insult.”
Tips for Adult Adoptees Going “Home”
If you are the adopted person, please give yourself permission to make a choice that is right for you. Some choices include:
You may choose to attend the family gatherings or you may choose to stay home.
If you are concerned about potential conflict or uncomfortable circumstances (e.g., microaggressions) at a gathering, remember to set boundaries that work for you.
Have an “exit time” that is agreed upon and planned with those who are your allies.
Have a “sign” or indicator that it is time to leave.
Have an ally at the event (if possible) to serve as a safe support person to whom you can privately vent and get a reality check
Take a break during the day/meal/event
Make an excuse (or volunteer) to go to the store to pick something up
Go to another room or outside to “take a work call”
Go for a walk
You might start a new “tradition” with those you currently consider family (either due to relationships formed through birth, adoption, and/or friendship bonds)
Go with just them to see a movie
Play a low stakes game
Take a holiday stroll
Volunteer for a cause about which you’re passionate
You may also choose to celebrate the holiday(s) early and gather with others a week or so prior or at a different time of the year, which could lessen the expectations and sense of obligation (not to mention less traffic) compared to the actual holiday date.
Set your own intentions for what you want to get out of the time when you are gathering with your family, and make choices that are your own (big or small) that will help you to meet that intention.
Tips for Allies to Adoptees of Any Age
Allies can include immediate family members, partners, friends, or extended family members. Their role as allies can mean serving as a buffer, being a source of support, distracting others when things get uncomfortable, or helping with an exit strategy. Allies may want to “fight your battles” or stand up for you, but those decisions can be tricky. For children, allies must consider what the implications of their actions could be. Sometimes support means providing an alternative perspective, providing options for connecting with birth culture, or even being a respite site. For adults, allies should consult with the adult adoptees, preferably prior to the home visit and pre-plan options for support. Some other ways to help include:
Make room for the conversations, even potentially difficult ones.
In some situations, it may be helpful to include a licensed mental health therapist as a mediator for particularly challenging conversations.
Communicate with your family member, before and after the anticipated gathering.
Remain open and listen to what the adopted person may need for support from you.
Be careful to not freeze the adoptee in time and space. That is, be open to hearing their present experiences, reactions, and needs.
Do not remain silent because it may be hard for a marginalized person to be the only one voicing their discomfort.
Understand your difficulties in talking about or recognizing racial issues and practice being a helper.
Seek opportunities to further educate yourself on adoption and racial issues.
Recognize that sometimes conflict is necessary and difficult conversations make way for needed change and healing.
Empathy, compassion, understanding are words we all understand but when communicating within our families, we may forget these words. Too often we get preoccupied with fairness, being right, and having our version of reality accepted as truth. We ask that adoptees and adoptive families work to do the following:
Listen for understanding and not to respond.
Be able and willing to admit that you have made mistakes or been wrong as all humans have.
Believe adoptees when they tell you their experiences.
Ask for and give empathy.
In alphabetical order: Amanda L. Baden, Ph.D., Quade French, Ph.D., Holly Grant-Marsney, Ph.D., Tony Hynes, Ph.D. Student, M.A., & Hollee McGinnis, Ph.D.
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